How did I get like this? - Oct 11th, 2004

I have come to realize that I write more often when I'm not feeling the greatest. Basically, I use my diaries more often when I am sad.

Last night I had the worst headache I have ever had in my entire life. It hurt so badly that I ended up crying myself to sleep. And today, when I need to be feeling as best as I can be for the vaud-ville audition, I can feel the pain lurking back between my eyes.

Today, I feel sad. For no particular reason. I got to work and found out that Christover Reeve had died. Then I changed the station to Lite-Fm and they played sappy music which, at times, caused me to tear up. I started thinking about how I've distanced myself from my family and how I don't know how to get close to them again. I started thinking about how much of a fuddy-duddy I am and why I can't get motivated or excited about the things I used to love.

Sometimes, I just need a good smack in the ass to wake myself up.

I feel like I live a very selfish life. I am turning into a very cynical person and I don't know when it started happening. I liked it better when I was naive and didn't know any better.

dude, growing up is hard.

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